EFTA02285458.pdf

To: From: Jackie Malting Sent Wed 5/22/2019 10:56:11 PM Subject: see Jackie! Forked River NJ! Bellmore LI! yo, my friend .. here we go with this month's jokes .. May 2019 .. hey! I just passed 18 years sober .. yolks! .. but first I want to thank you if you bought "The Joke Man: Bow To Stern" .. in it, I said if you'd like to drop me an e-mail I'd reply .. that I'd answer them all .. and so so many people actually e-mailed me and were (hopefully) pleasantly surprised when I responded .. I really appreciate the feedback. hey .. I appreciate you, period .. thanks! Jackie 9:30pm this Saturday, May 25th Big Holiday Show! "Joe Harrison's River House" ******** 7pm Saturday, June 8th "The Brokerage" EFTA_R1_01110282 EFTA02285458  ********** A guy goes to a proctologist. The doctor says, "My God, man .. how'd your asshole get so stretched out?" The guy says, "I-I got fucked by a elephant." The doctor says, "Oh, come on, everybody knows an elephant has a long dick, but they're not that wide." The guy says, "H-he put his finger in first." ***** ** What's the best way for a girl to give a guy a hand job? With her mouth. It's 1973 and Elvis is in the middle of a concert on a Las Vegas stage. He's singing, "Love me tender .." He looks down at a pretty girl and says, "What's your name, honey?" She says, "Michelle." He says, "Michelle, can I ask you a question?" She says, "Sure, Elvis .." He says, "Where're you from?" She says, "Providence." He says, "I played Providence." She says, "I know, Elvis. I saw you." EFTA_R1_01110283 EFTA02285459  He keeps singing, "Love me true .." He looks down at another pretty girl and says, "What's your name, honey?" She says, "Susie." He says, "Susie, can I ask you a question?" She says, "Sure, Elvis .." He says, "Where're you from?" She says, "Atlanta." He says, "I played Atlanta." She says, "I know, Elvis. I saw you." He keeps singing, "Love me tender .." He looks down at another pretty girl and says, "What's your name, honey?" She says, "Shirley." He says, "Shirley, can I ask you a question?" She says, "Sure, Elvis .." He says, "Are you gonna finish that potato?" ********** Abe says, "Sadie, we've had forty-five nice years together, but this month we're in trouble. I haven't got the rent. You're going to have to go out and turn some tricks." And she agrees, because it helps the joke. That night Sadie leaves the apartment at seven, comes back at eleven-thirty and puts eighty dollars and twenty-five cents on the kitchen table. Abe says, "Eighty dollars and twenty-five cents? Who gave you a quarter?" She says, "Everybody." ********* EFTA_R1_01110284 EFTA02285460  to hear endless jokes from all of my six Oglio CDs, get Pandora or Spotlit' and type in "Jackie Martling" .. or say to your Alexa, "Alexa, play Jackie Martling" .. so, you have an Alexa? to hear The World's Funniest Song, say: "Alexa, play And I'm Thinkin' About You by Jackie Martling" ******** Oringer goes to a new doctor, and when he walks in he finds she's young, beautiful woman. He says, "I .. I feel a little weird about this, Doc .." She says, "Mr. Oringer, I'm a seasoned doctor, and nothing can shock me. Please tell me your problem, and whatever it is, I promise you I can get to the bottom of it and make you like new." Oringer says, "My wife says my dick tastes funny." ***** What do you call it when you kick a lady midget in the twat? A front punt to a runt's cunt. I love sharing these jokes. I've been collecting them, remembering them, telling them .. & driving people crazy with them .. EFTA_R1_01110285 EFTA02285461  for almost seventy years. all I ask is please e-mail me & say hello .. our DNA might match .. Dirty Johnny and his father are walking along in the park. All of a sudden, Johnny says, "Hey, Pop, look at those two bowlegged bastards." His father says, "Watch your mouth! I'm your father!" They walk a little further and Johnny says, "Hey, Pop! Look! Two more bowlegged bastards." His father says, "I said watch your mouth! I'm your father!" A few minutes later Johnny says, "Pop, I don't freakin' believe it. Two more bowlegged bastards." His father says, "All right, I've had it with you. I'm disgusted with your language." He drags Johnny home, throws him in his room, throws in three volumes of Shakespeare and locks the door. For a week, he feeds him under the door .. omelettes, I guess. At the end of the week, Johnny's father opens the door and here comes Johnny .. He says, "Forsooth, Father, 'tis a day to behold .." His father says to himself, "Jesus! It worked! My plan worked! I'm a genius!" Johnny says, "Father .. shall we go for a stroll in yon park?" His father can't believe what he's hearing. They go to the EFTA_R1_01110286 EFTA02285462 park, and as they're walking along, Johnny's going on and on in beautiful Shakespearean prose and poetry about the leaves, and the trees, and the grass is so green, and the sky is so blue, and his father is thrilled. Then they pass two of those same guys. Johnny says, "Father, such strange men are these .. their balls hang in parentheses." ******** Two guys are in hospital beds next to each other, and one of the guys is covered with casts and bandages from head to toe. The second guy says, "What do you do for a living?" The first guy says, "I used to be a window washer." The second guy says, "And you decided to give it up?" The first guy says, "Yeah." The second guy says, "When?" The first guy says, "Oh, about halfway down." ******** to hear endless jokes from all of my CDs, get the Pandora or the Spoti# app and type in "Jackie Martling" or say to your Alexa, "Alexa, play Jackie Martling" so, you have an Alexa? to hear The World's Funniest Song, say: EFTA_R1_01110287 EFTA02285463  "Alexa, play And I'm Thinkin' About You by Jackie Martling" ******** if you love jokes, you'll love my brand-new joke bookfrom Post Hill Press .. "Jackie Jokes: The Ultimate Collection" ***** A fly sees a cute female fly land on a pile of shit. He buzzes down and says, "Excuse me, miss, but is this stool taken?" ******** Minervini runs into his ex-wife at a party and he says, "You wanna try to put our marriage back together?" She says, "Over my dead body." He says, "Nevertheless." ******** What would you call a lesbian's fingers? Fish sticks. Rosegarten's walking along and sees a sign, "Hans EFTA_R1_01110288 EFTA02285464 Schmidt's Chinese Laundry." He thinks it's a little strange, so he goes in, and there's a little Chinese guy behind the counter. Rosegarten says, "Excuse me, but who's Hans Schmidt?" The Chinese guy says, "That me." Rosegarten says, "How'd you get a name like Hans Schmidt?" The Chinese guy says, "Many year ago, me come Amelica, stand in rong rine, finarry come up to immiglation desk. They ask man in flont of me, 'What your name?' Him say, 'Hans Schmitt.' They ask me, 'What your name?' I tell them, 'Sam Ting.' " ******** 9:30pm this Saturday, May 25th Big Holiday Show! "Joey Harrison's River House" ******** 8pm Saturday, June 8th "The Brokers e" EFTA_R1_01110289 EFTA02285465  all show info on ***** A blonde's swerving down the road and gets pulled over by a cop. He says, "You were doing seventy-five miles an hour." She says, "That's not possible, I've only been driving for fifteen minutes." He says, "Hmm .." and he starts pulling down his zipper. She says, "Oh, no, not another Breathalyzer test." ******** What'd the laundryman say to the nun? "Got any dirty habits?" ******** Schmidlap has a sore arm, so he goes to the doctor. The doctor examines him and then says, "Mr. Schmidlap, you've got tennis elbow." Schmidlap says, "That's impossible, Doc. You see, I don't play tennis." The doctor says, "That's my diagnosis .. tennis elbow." Schmidlap says, "Impossible." EFTA_R1_01110290 EFTA02285466  The doctor says, "Okay, Mr. Schmidlap .. I have an incredible new piece of equipment, the Urine Computer. Come back tomorrow with a urine specimen, we'll feed it into the Urine Computer, and we'll see once and for all if my diagnosis is correct." Schmidlap is more than a little skeptical of this urine computer, so he goes home and pees in a jar, then he has his wife pee in it, he has his daughter pee in it, he has his dog pee in it, he drains some of his car oil into it, and just for good measure, he masturbates into it. The next day he goes back to see the doctor, hands him the specimen and the doctor pours it into the Urine Computer. The Urine Computer goes "Crank! Rrrkk! Bzzttl," and then a bell rings. The doctor looks at his computer screen. and he says, "Well, Mr. Schmidlap, according to the Urine Computer, your wife has herpes, your daughter's pregnant, your dog has rabies, your car needs a valve job, and if you don't stop jerking off, you're never gonna get rid of that tennis elbow." ******** to hear endless jokes from all of my CDs, get the Pandora or the Spotift app and type in "Jackie Martling" or say to your Alexa, "Alexa, play Jackie Martling" so, you have an Alexa? to hear The World's Funniest Song, say: EFTA_R1_01110291 EFTA02285467  "Alexa, play And I'm Thinkin' About You by Jackie Martling" if you love jokes, you '// love my brand-new joke book from Post Hill Press .. "Jackie Jokes: The Ultimate Collection" What's Pope poop? Holy shit. Jena's date honks the horn, and on her way out to the car she realizes she has really bad gas. She figures that after he lets her in her side, she can get in and let 'er rip quick before he gets around the car and gets in. He opens the door, she gets in, he closes the door and he starts to walk around to his side. She lifts her leg, and, "libbbItt," really cracks a rat, blows a hole through her parachute .. He gets in, motions to the back seat and says, "Jena, this is my Mom. I have to drop her at her bridge game." ***** please buy my autobiography, "The Joke Man: Bow To Stern" EFTA_R1_01110292 EFTA02285468  I hope you're catching me on David Feldman's podcasts, John Fugelsang's "Tell Me Everything" on SiriusXM channel 121, with Mark Simone on 710 WOR & with Bernie & Sid In The Morning on 770 WA BC .. always funny & fun .. I'd love to hear anything you'd like to tell me ... ****** Galluccio walks into work and both of his ears are bandaged. The boss says, "Galluccio, what happened to your ears?" Jackson says, "Yesterday I was ironing a shirt when the phone rang, and I accidentally answered the iron." The boss says, "That explains one ear, but what happened to your other ear?" Galluccio says, "Well, shit, I had to call the doctor." ****** What's the difference between a lollipop and a cock? Kevin Spacey doesn't want to lollipop shoved deep in his ass. ****** EFTA_R1_01110293 EFTA02285469  A woman goes into a confessional and says, "Father, I gave a blow job to a priest from another church." The priest says, "Okay, my dear. First, say three Hail Mary's. Second, don't do it again. And third, and most important .. always remember, this is your church." you'll love my autobiography! "The Joke Man: Bow To Stern" Foreword by Artie Lange .. available in hardcover, Kindle & audio book! 'tis but a click away! please order a few! ****** Melanie gets out of bed, puts on her robe, opens the curtain, uncovers the parrot, goes in the kitchen, turns on the burner, puts on the coffee, gets the morning paper and is just sitting down to read when the phone rings. She answers it. The voice says, "Hello, babe, this is Joey, I just flew in from St. Paul and I'll be right over." She puts down the paper, turns off the coffee, goes back in the bedroom, closes the curtain, covers the parrot, takes off her bathrobe, and gets back in bed. The parrot says, "Fuck, that was a short day." ******** EFTA_R1_01110294 EFTA02285470  Hoffinan's walking down the sidewalk, a couple's walking towards him and Hof man's staring the girl up and down .. Her boyfriend says, "Have you got a problem, pal?" Hoffman says, "Yeah. I want to fuck her, but I haven't got her phone number." ********** all show info on Mrs. Newman says, "How many women with PMS does it take to screw in a light bulb?" Newman says, "I have no idea." She says, "Of course you don't. Well, I'm going to tell you how many women with PMS it takes to screw in a light bulb. One. One! And do you know why it only takes one? Because nobody in this house knows how to change a light bulb! They wouldn't even know the bulb was burned out. They'd sit in this house in the dark for three days before they figured it out. And once they figured it out they wouldn't be able to find a light bulb despite the fact that the light bulbs have been in the same cupboardfor the past seventeen years. But if they did, by some fucking miracle, find a light bulb, two days later the chair that they dragged from two rooms over to stand on to change the stupid light bulb would still be in the same spot! And underneath it would be the crumpled wrapper the stupid light bulb came in. Why? Because nobody in this house ever carries EFTA_R1_01110295 EFTA02285471 out the garbage. It's a wonder we haven't all suffocated from the piles of garbage that are twelve feet deep throughout the entire house. This damn house. THIS DAMN HOUSE! It would take an army to keep this fucking house clean. Why don't you go shove a light bulb up your ass?" Why do dicks hang their heads? Their hair's a mess, they live next to an asshole, theirfamily's are nuts, their bestfriend's a pussy and their owners beat them. ******** please follow me on Twitter! get a new (?) joke or three every day at 4:20 pm EST International Marijuana Time! ******** There're two naked statues in the park, a male statue and a female statue, and they've been facing each other for hundreds of years. One day, a bolt of lightning strikes them and brings them to life. They look into each other's eyes, and without saying a word, they run, meet each other half way, join hands and disappear into the woods. A half-hour later, they come staggering out, and EFTA_R1_01110296 EFTA02285472 they can hardly catch their breath. The female statue looks at the male statue, smiles and says, "Let's rest up a while and then go in there and do it again." The male statue says, "Okay .. only this time, you hold the pigeons, and I'll shit on them." you love the free jokes? Then you owe me! please buy my stupid book. please buy a bunch of copies .. they make great gifts. available in hardcover, Kindle & Audible audio book! how about: if you mail your book(s) to me with return postage, I'll sign it (or however many you want) and mail it back .. Jackie Martling fuck Direct Marketing, I'm begging. if I don't sell a lot of books, I'll be working "The Brokerage" again. wait .. I am working "The Brokerage" again .. June 8th! .. I hope I'm making my point. ( yeah, I may be overdoing it, but I only put out an EFTA_R1_01110297 EFTA02285473 autobiography every-so-often .. ) ******** What's the worst thing about a lung transplant? Thefirst time you cough something up, it ain't gonna be yours. ******** the Foreword to "The Joke Man: Bow To Stern" is by Artie Lange ... both the printed edition & the audio edition! man, do I owe him. he's a terrific guy, and he's incredibly funny .. please continue to give him your full support .. % .4X***** An old guy comes into the bedroom and there's his wife, standing on her head in the corner, stark naked. He says, "Wh-what the hell're you d-doing?" She says, "Well, s-since you can't get it up, I-I thought maybe you could drop it in." ******** when's the last time you "Used Your Finger!" and dialed still going, almost 40 years later .. [ ] please run down the street and yell: to get on the list for monthly jokes, simply e-mail Jackie .. EFTA_R1_01110298 EFTA02285474 ******** What would you call a Catholic with shit on his head? Craptized. ******** please follow me on Twitter! get a new (?) joke or three every day at 4:20 m EST International Marijuana Time! ******** my autobiography, "The Joke Man: Bow To Stern" is now available! it can be all yours with one click! ***** DeBellis says to his wife, "When you die, I'm gonna put on your tombstone 'Here Lies My Wife .. Cold As Usual.'" She says, "Yeah? And when you die, I'm gonna put on your tombstone 'Here Lies My Husband .. Stiff At Last.' " ***** special! download! download my six wild Oglio dirty joke CDs .. only $20! EFTA_R1_01110299 EFTA02285475  plus! .. you get a hundred insults & "The Pot Song!" ********* What's the difference between yogurt and sperm? Yogurt doesn't hit the back of a girl's throat at 30 miles an hour. ***** A cowboy's new in town and doesn't realize he just walked into a gay bar. He says to the bartender, "God damn, Sam, I'm so flicking thirsty I could lick the sweat off a bull's balls .." A voice in the corner says, "Moo-moo, buckaroo .." .. huge thanks to Phil Iazzetta & iHeart Radio 24/7 Comedy he plays me a-plenty .. ***** *endless jokes!* say,"Alexa, play Jackie Martling" or type "Jackie Martling" into Spotify or Pandora pleasefollow me on Twitter! get a new (?) joke or three every day at 4:20 pm EST Tnternatinnal Mariivana Time! EFTA_R1_01110300 EFTA02285476  A couple walks into an adoption agency. They sit down and the guy says to the lady behind the desk, "We'd like to adopt a child." She says, "Are you married?" "Yes, we are." "And do you have a job? "Yes. In fact, we both work." "What do you do?" "We're clowns in the circus." "Clowns in the circus? And you want to adopt a child?" "Yes. We make a good living, we pay our taxes and we're good citizens. We haven't been able to have a baby of our own so we'd like to adopt one so we can have a nice little family." "And are you looking to adopt a boy or a girl?" "A boy or a girl? What difference could that possible make? We'd just like to have a child to raise and to love. A boy or a girl? That makes no difference to us at all. As long as the kid will fit down the barrel of our cannon." ******* the $2.95 Guys are the official supplier of all JokeLand tees! PikCARDS are the greatest! Neil & Jenn, I Love You! musicians! PIKCards make terrific ads for your band! EFTA_R1_01110301 EFTA02285477  please take a look! ********* What happens when a corn chip falls in love with a Native American? Frito lay. ********* for great dirty 'okes 24/7 Use Your Finger! dia free jokes for The Universe since 1979 .. simply dial ( .. not a pay service, just a regular call ... Almost 40 years of free jokes! A cowboy comes running into a saloon in the Old West yelling, "Big Red's coming! Big Red's coming!" Before anybody can leave the bar, a huge guy walks in. He's seven feet tall and almost as wide, grunting with each step. He walks behind the bar, picks up the spittoon, empties two bottles of whiskey into it, swishes it around and glugs! it down in one big swig. The bartender says, "Y-y-you want a-another one, mister?" The guy says, "Well, hell no. I gotta get out of here. Big Red's coming." ******** EFTA_R1_01110302 EFTA02285478 for the kids: What time is it when an elephant sits on a fence? Time to get a newfence.. Why'd the dog go, "Meow?" He was learning a new language. Who steals chopped meat? A hamburglar. What happens when geese bang heads? They get goose bumps. Knock, knock .. Who's there? Cereal .. Cereal who? Cereal soon. What do tightrope walkers eat? A balanced diet. What's a cobra learn in college? Hisssstory. What's the best way to find out an elephant's age? Look at his driver's license. END of KIDS' SECTION !! ***** EFTA_R1_01110303 EFTA02285479 pleasefollow me on Twitter! get a new (?) joke every day at 4:20 pm EST What's a Chinese gourmet meal? Rice .. and anything else. to hear endless jokes from all of my CDs, get the Pandora or the Spotify app and type in "Jackie Martling" or say to your Alexa, "Alexa, play Jackie Martling" so, you have an Alexa? to hear The World's Funniest Song, say: "Alexa, play And I'm Thinkin' About You by Jackie Martling" ******** for information on Jackie's shows, you can always just "Use Your Finger!" .. celebrating forty years of free jokes! dial not a pay service, just a local call .. EFTA_R1_01110304 EFTA02285480  What's the difference between a voter and a homo? A voter picks leaders .. A guy comes bursting into the bar. He goes up to Hawthorne, who's standing at the bar, and says, "Excuse me, pal, but were you ever in Chicago?" Hawthorne takes out a little book and starts to flip through it. He says, "Cities .. cities .. Chicago. Yeah. I was in Chicago." The guy says, "Oh, yeah? Well, were you ever in Burton's Place?" Hawthorne says, "Hold on .." He starts to flip through the little book again. "Taverns .. taverns .. Burton's Place. Yeah. Yeah, I was at Burton's Place." The guy's getting pretty steamed and says, "Did you ever meet a girl there named Michelle Harris?" Hawthorne says, "Hold on, my friend .. let me see .." He starts flipping through the book again, "Girls .. girls .. Harris .. Abby .. Fay .. Michelle! Michelle Harris! Yeah, I met Michelle Harris." The guy says, "Oh, yeah? Well, I'm Mister Harris, and I don't like it." Hawthorne starts flipping through the book again, and says calmly, "Opinions .. opinions .. Michelle Harris. Nope, I didn't like it, either." EFTA_R1_01110305 EFTA02285481  ******** so, did you laugh at this month's jokes? .. ifyou didn't .. why don't you cut offyour head so I can piss down your neck? You've received this e-mail either because you've signed up at the JokeLand website to be kept informed about what Jackie "The Joke Man" Martling is up to, or because you are currently having an online dialog with Jackie. If this is not the case OR to be forever removed from this list, please send an e-mail to with the word "unlist" in the subject line. thanks, JokeLand Inc. This email was sent by JokeLand, Inc., located at You've received this e-mail either because you've signed up at the JokeLand website to be kept informed about what Jackie "The Joke Man" Mauling is up to, or because you are currently having an online dialog with Jackie. If this is not the case OR to be forever removed from this list, please click here or reply to this email with "unlist" in the Subject line. EFTA_R1_01110306 EFTA02285482