EFTA02671138.pdf

From: Jackie Martling <-> Sent: Tuesday, November 17, 2015 9:46 PM To: jeevacation@gmail.com Subject: see Jackie this Sat. in Bay Shore, Long Island 8pm this Saturday, November 21st Boulton Center 37 West Main Street Bay Shore, Lon Island, New York https://web.ovationtix.com/trs/pesptpm/10034064/1025578 boultoncenter.org Sabean's on the road and doesn't realize he's gone into a bar full of transvestites. He starts talking to a good- looking...ahem...woman...and they really hit it off. They have a few drinks and then they leave the bar and climb into the back seat of his car. After a few minutes, he says, "Are you pregnant?" She says, "Umm urn, yes. Yes, I am." Sabean says, "I thought so. The kid's arm is hanging out." ***** ••• What should you do if a midget's missing? Put his face on a carton of Half & Half. An old Southern guy's got a pond on his farm. One day he hears giggling and splashing, so he grabs a pail and heads for the pond. When he gets there, there's three girls skinny dipping. When they see him, they swim to the far and of the pond. One of the girls says, "We're not climbing out of here buck naked with you standing there." The farmer says, "I'm not here to see you girls naked. I'm here to feed the alligator." it's the Horrordays! goodness gracious, it certainly seems the Holiday Season comes around quicker than poop through a goose. not that there's anything wrong with that. hope you enjoy these jokes. the older I get the more I love them. go finger. when's the last time you "Used Your Finger" and dialed (I I-WINE ?! still going, 36 years later ... please spread the word about this silly list. EFTA_R1_01940113 EFTA02671138  and just remember: if the Pilgrims had shot a bobcat instead of a turkey, we'd all be eating pussy on Thanksgiving. Jackie ****•*•• A big, fat farmer is walking down a dirt road in the rain with his big, fat wife when he suddenly gets horny. He pulls his wife down to the ground, lifts up her dress, and starts fucking her. After a minute, he says, "Elsie, is it in you, or is it in the mud?" She says, "It's in the mud." He reaches down, and fiddles around a bit. Then he says, "Now is it in you, or is it in the mud?" She says, "It's in me." He says, "Put it back in the mud." What's more fun than having sex with the woman you've been married to for twenty years? Everything. Friedman's sitting at the bar drunk and he says to the bartender, "Who'd you vote for in the last election?" The bartender says, "It's none of your business. And besides, you don't talk politics in a bar." A few minutes later, Friedman says, "What church do you go to?" The bartender says, "It's none of your business. And besides, you don't talk religion in a bar." A few minutes later, Friedman says, "Can I talk about sex?" The bartender says, "Sure. Sex is a great topic for barroom conversation." Friedman says, "Fuck you." please follow me on Twitter! get a new (?) joke every day at 4:20 pm EST ... @lackieMartling A cowboy comes running into a saloon in the Old West yelling, "Big Red's coming! Big Red's coming!" Before anybody can leave the bar, a huge guy walks in. He's seven feet tall and almost as wide, grunting with each step. He walks behind the bar, picks up the spittoon, empties two bottles of whiskey into it, swishes it around and glugs! it down in one big swig. The bartender says, "Y-y-you want another one, m-m-mister?" The guy says, "Are you kidding? I gotta get out of here. Big Red's coming." 8pm this Saturday, November 21st Boulton Center 2 EFTA_R1_01940114 EFTA02671139 37 West Main Street Bay Shore, Long Island, New York boultoncenter.org 8pm Saturday, January 30th with Special Guest Rich Harkaway! The Rrazz Room Inside The Prince Theater 1412 Chestnut St. Philadelphia, Pennsylvania princetheater.org/therrazzroom 8pm Saturday, February 13th McGuire's 1627 Smithtown Ave. Bohemia, Long Island, New York mcguirescomedyshows.com A lady walks into an expensive rug store. She sees a rug she likes, walks over to look at it, and as she's bending over to feel the texture, she cuts a huge fart. When she turns around, there's a salesman standing there. She says, "How much does this rug cost?" He says, "Lady, if you farted just from touching it, you're gonna shit when you hear the price." yep, it's The JokeLand E-Mail List! free yuks! please tell everybody you know! free jokes! ... by just e-mailing me! jokeland@aol.com <- A drunk's walking along when a guy coming the other way says, "Why're you walking with one foot up on the curb and one foot on the road?" The drunk says, "Th-thank God. I-I thought I was cripple." An Arab sheik says to an American tourist, "Mr. Schirripa, your wife, she is beautiful. I must have her. I will trade you her weight in gold." Shirripa says, "Give me a few days." 3 EFTA_R1_01940115 EFTA02671140  The sheik says, "To think it over?" Shirripa says, "To fatten her up." ***** •• * Schmidlap ties his Doberman Pinscher to a parking meter and goes into a bar. A few minutes later, a guy comes into the bar and says, "Whose dog is tied up to the parking meter outside?" Schmidlap says, "He's mine. Why?" The guy says, "Because my dog just killed him." Schmidlap says, "What? What kind of dog've you got?" The guy says, "A Chihuahua." Schmidlap says, "No way. How could a tiny dog like a Chihuahua kill a huge Doberman?" The guy says, "It got caught in his throat." How's pussy is like snow? You never know when you're gonna get some, it's always fun at first, & only some of it's clean enough to eat, The World's Best Gifts! they keep on giving! all six of Jackie's Oglio joke CD's ... hard copies or downloads! The Joke Man, Sgt.Pecker, Hot Dogs & Donuts, Come Again?, F. jackie & snart are available on Amazon, iTunes (snart is on sale!), and at Oglio.com A plane crashes in the jungle. They get hungry and need food, and they have nothing to hunt with except a knife, and they need that at the plane to defend themselves. So they hand a stick to a Mexican and tell him to go bring back some food. A few hours later, the Mexican comes running towards the plane, being chased by a lion, yelling, "Open the door! Open the door!" They open the door, and at the last minute the Mexican ducks down and the lion goes sailing in. The Mexican says, "Start with that one, and I'll go get us another one." ***** * • • please follow me on Twitter! get a new (?) joke every day at 4:20 pm EST ... @JackieMartling What's the worst thing about dating a girl that has asthma? When you're fucking her it sounds like she's hissing you. • • * ****** 4 EFTA_R1_01940116 EFTA02671141  A kid goes to pick up his blind date, and when he gets there, he finds out she has no arms and no legs. But he's a good sport, so he puts her in the car, takes her to a movie. When the movie's over, he puts her back in the car. When he gets in his side of the car, she says, "Have you got any rope with you?" He says, "Yeah, I got some in the trunk." She says, "You know where that big oak is, the one with the low limb, down in the dark corner of the park?" He says, "Yeah." She says, "Why don't you take us there?" And he agrees, because it helps the joke. When they get there, she has him undress her, and then she gives him explicit instructions how to use the rope to suspend her from the limb, and they proceed to have incredibly wild sex. When they get done, he takes her home, carries her inside and puts her on the couch. As he's leaving, her father meets him at the door and says, "Here, son." The kid looks down and her father's handing him five hundred dollars. Her father says, "Please take this." The kid says, "I can't take that, sir." Her father says, "Please, son, I appreciate what you did tonight. Take the money." The kid says, "Sir, I can't take the money. You see, I-I had sex with your daughter." Her father says, "Of course you did. But at least you didn't leave her hanging from that fucking tree." s••s•rsss huge thanks to Phil lazetta & iHeart Radio 24/7 Comedy click to listen! he plays me a-plenty ... Two gay guys live together and one guy gets a job. His first day of work, he comes down the stairs and there's his roommate, in the kitchen, beating off into a rubber. He says, "What are you doing?" His roommate says, "Packing your lunch." to hear endless jokes from all of my CDs, get the Pandora or the Spotify app ... type in "Jackie Martling" Feldman's laying on his back on a massage table and a cute Swedish girl's massaging his shoulders. She moves down to his chest, and then gradually works her way down his belly. By the time she gets down to top of the towel covering his fruit bowl, he starts to pop a rod, and the towel starts to rise up. She says, "Would you like to have an orgasm?" Feldman says, "Well, fuck yeah." She says, "Okay. I come back in ten minutes." The $2.95 Guys are the official supplier of all JokeLand tees 5 EFTA_R1_01940117 EFTA02671142 for great dirty jokes 24/7, Use Your Finger! dial ( I-WINE ! free jokes for The Universe since 1979... simply dial ... not a pay service, just a regular call ... 36 years of free jokes! A guy meets an older woman in a bar and they go back to her place. As he's getting into bed, she takes off her high heels and her dress and puts them on the dresser. She takes off her blouse and her bra and her falsies and throws them on the dresser. She takes off her wig and her fake eyelashes and puts them on the dresser. She takes out her false teeth and her glass eye and puts them on the dresser. She says, "Are you ready for me?" He says, "Hell, no. I'm going to fuck the dresser." this is The Jokeland E-Mail List. if you're not supposed to be on this train, please disembark & get off now. ... and please tell anybody who wants to get on to e-mail me, jokeland@aol.com Stukowski says to his boss, "Sir, I need tomorrow off. My wife is gonna have a baby The boss gives him the next day off. The day, after that Stukowski walks into work and the boss says, "Well, was it a boy or a girl?" Stukowski says, "We won't know for nine months." It's Word Wat Two and an Italian kid's in the Philippines for a few years. His mom and his girlfriend haven't seen him in a long time, so he decides to send them pictures. He takes a picture of himself naked, rips it in half, and sends the top half to his mother and the bottom half to his girlfriend. But he mixes them up. His mother opens the letter, looks at the picture, and says, "Atsa my Luigi ... a long-a nose, droopy cheeks and he don't-a never shave." ***it** What's black and white and sits on a doorknob? A horny nun. for the kids: Knock, knock... 6 EFTA_R1_01940118 EFTA02671143 Who's there? Eddie... Eddie who? Eddie body home? What's the best way to stuff a turkey? Take him out for pizza and ice cream. What would you call Batman after he gets run over by a bus? Flatman. How do you keep a skunk from smelling? Cut off it's nose. How do we know that peanuts are fattening? Have you ever seen a skinny elephant? Billy goes to the doctor. He says, "Doc, I feel like I'm invisible." The doctor says, "Who said that?" end of the Kids' Section ... ***** 4i• McKenna's in a hospital bed, and his doctor says, "I can't tell exactly what's wrong with you. I think it's due to all the drinking." McKenna says, "Then get somebody sober in here to examine me, you fucking moron." Dirty Johnny looks at his mother coming out of the shower and says "Hey, Ma, you sure are gettin' fat." She says, "Yes, John. You see, I'm pregnant. I have a baby growing in my belly." He says, "What's growin' in your ass?" The undertaker comes up to the widow and says, "How old was your husband?" She says, "Ninety-eight. Two years older than me." He says, "So you're ninety-six? Hardly worth going home, is it?" What's the difference between a white cow and a black cow? A white cow goes, "Moo," and a black cow goes, "Moo out d' way." Schneider says to his wife, "Have you been sucking off the dog?" She says, "Why do you ask?" He says, "Because every time you yawn he gets a hard-on." 7 EFTA_R1_01940119 EFTA02671144  A guy walks into a drug store and says, I need birth control pills for my eleven-year-old daughter." The pharmacist says, "Your daughter is sexually active at eleven?" The guy says, "Nah, she just lays there like her mother." thanks for enjoying this month's crop ... ... if you don't like jokes, I hope somebody cuts off your head and shits in your neck ... please follow me on Twitter ! get a new (?) joke every day at 4:20 pm EST ... @JackieMartling www.jokeland.com for information on Jackie's shows, you can always just "Use Your Finger!" thirty-six years of free jokes! and dial -WINE ... not a pay service, just a local call ... You've received this e-mail either because you've signed up at the JokeLand website to be kept informed about what Jackie "The Joke Man" Martling is up to, or because you are currently having an online dialog with Jackie. If this is not the case OR to be forever removed from this list, please reply to this e-mail with the word "unlist" in the subject line. thanks, a Jokeland E-Mail Jokeland Inc. Box 58 Bayville, NY 11709 USA This email was sent by Jokeland, Inc., located at Box 58, Bayville, NY 11709 (USA). You've received this e-mail either because you've signed up at the Jokeland website to be kept informed about what Jackie "The Joke Man" Martling is up to, or because you are currently having an online dialog with Jackie. If this is not the case OR to be forever removed from this list, please click here or reply to this email with "unlist" in the Subject line. 8 EFTA_R1_01940120 EFTA02671145